Staring at the Ceiling

Maybe I should call this month The Doldrums… These chemo treatments are ticking down. Today I will have number 6 of 8. I can look forward to finishing the end of March. However, it will not be the end as six weeks of radiation therapy will follow. Some days it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, this is a whining post. I’m tired of food tasting bad. I’m tired of looking scary. I lost most of my hair but not all. In the chemo office I see these ladies with beautiful bald heads. Mine is more scary looking with short white porcupine quills; certainly not shiny like Charles Barkley. The other day I really looked in the mirror and realized I have a very pasty white pallor with dark circles under my eyes. No wonder people are being super kind when in the store. I’m also tired of my back and legs aching so that I don’t sleep well. And let me not forget to complain about the hot flashes. The thermostat is set at 65 at night with the fan running and I wake up several times bathed in sweat.

Mostly right now I am just tired of being tired. My schedule has been put on hold for the spring. We get so little done–I have the most energy in the mornings so Matthew and I try to do our running and chores before noon. Then it’s time to sit down…and look at the ceiling. I’ve noticed all kinds of things–projects for me if I could be brave enough to climb all the way to the peak of the ceiling; projects for Bob as I noticed a screw missing from the ceiling fan. (Bob assures me the fan will not collapse and maim us…but…) And as I’ve mentioned before we spend way too much time watching that darn DIY channel (Do It Yourself). Did you know my kitchen cupboards are outdated? How about the tile? The list of things that should be updated is endless.

My friend told me to stop watching those shows. Hmmm… how about catching up with my continuing education? I can easily read the articles and take the quiz while resting my back. But…Oh, the irony. This month’s Radiology continuing education article is on imaging for breast cancer patients. I can tell you I didn’t read the whole article; the statistics alone were discouraging and then looking at the pictures from the PET and MRI’s of metastatic disease. I think I’ll pass.

Matthew and I did find that we could work outside on our growing weed population. We take turns digging them out and have found that we both have about a 15 minute work tolerance. I swear I can’t figure out how some of my friends manage to go through all this and continue to work and care for their family. These gals I truly admire.

Thank goodness it’s almost March. Oh, I know. I could start working on taxes. But wait, I really think this year it is a job for Bob. Maybe I should just go back to the recliner, control the remote and look at the ceiling.

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